Wear a mask, face the front, don't pout at the Prime Minister

Diary of the last 10 hours

5.55am

Janey Godley delivers the day’s first LOL

Never mind making sourdough or masks or cheese puffs, this here is the new shit: let’s dress up our washing machines!

And how about a Gloriavale name to go with it? 

I think we’ll call ours Rightful Tumble. Or maybe Dutiful Paykel. 

Blessed wash day.

Is it really true that the Victorians put coverings on table legs for modesty? It does sometimes feel like we swapped one shameful obsession for another. They concealed sex but dressed in black and took death everywhere. We do more or less the reverse. 

7.20am

Auckland Theatre Company CEO Jonathan Bielski is on the radio describing the enormous difficulty of being a theatre company in Levels 2 and higher because of the limitation of gathering numbers.

Our whole business is trying new ideas all the time, he says, it’s what we do, can we experiment a bit here. I'm all in favour of this thinking.  

He reckons they can work out a way to make sure there’s no throng at the entry, stagger numbers coming through the doors, keep people separated.

Great stuff. If they can work it out there, let’s see if we can use those ideas in other bars and cafes because we don't want them to suffer but we also emphatically do not want people all up in each others faces, because that is absolutely how this thing  gets around.

What we need, all of us, are ideas for adaptation and innovation that will work. But what we don't want is any kind of arrangement that simply tries to pretend the virus isn't there and that the five second rule is real.

The virus makes the rules, the most we get to do is find the best way to work with them, to get as much of a life as we can.

7.50am

More Than A Feilding reader Karren, sitting next to me, asks: how many people getting the newsletter know who the Beverly Hillbillies are, do you reckon, and should you maybe be  explaining the cultural reference in yesterday's edition?

I remind her that the subscribers to this newsletter have already shown themselves to be the nation's smartest readers, yes you are by golly, thanks for subscribing! 

But anyway. I know, thanks to an infomercial I was in three years ago, that my prime demographic, measured by the signups immediately after screening in all the Eastern states of Australia is: women living in Sydney aged 56. And also TV3’s Australia correspondent Conor Whitten, who messaged to say WTF did I just see you in an infomercial?

But yes, she may have a point.  On the other hand, there is something about TV’s early decades that seem to have become permanent cultural reference points.  Do, please, if you feel inclined, let me know if Jed and Ellie-May are known to you or not.

8.49 am

Am I taking requests? Sure.

She’s clear, she’s comprehensible, she’s accessible, she’s making sure she’s taking everyone with her, so that we don’t, you know, spread the virus.

If you find her phrasing patronising, if it feels to you like it’s been cut up into small bits like you’re a kiddy, man, you must be in a whole world of pain watching the TV news at 6.

If you can’t conceive of other people in the audience with a perspective other than yours, you may be afflicted by the condition known as solipsism.

Hello fire brigade 

Yes?

Mate, my garage is on fire.

Sure! On our way! How do we get there?

Pause. Well, do you still have those big red trucks?

For some people the centre of the world is the place where they are standing.

No matter how little attention they may have paid because  yeah yeah they know all this get on with it, there is no doubt in their mind that they are correct because, well look where I'm standing, this is the centre of the world.

Ask them whether we should be more ready to live with the virus! Go on! Actually don't. It's too dismal.

A metaphor might help.

9.10 am

A metaphor

Kindly mother, lets call her, I don't know, Jacinda: You can have this apple with a bit of a bruise on it.

Truculent toddler who is actually a big boy: No I want that shiny one in the bin.

Kindly: Oh no, it’s in the bin because it’s lovely and shiny on the outside but it’s full of worms.

Truculent: How dare you treat me like I'm not a big boy I want the other apple it won't be full of worms.

Kindly: No it is, there are worms in there you just can't see them. The one that's bruised, you just have to cut out that bit out and you’ll have a really nice apple left.

Truculent: No, I want the apple with no bruise and no worms in it. Look at it, I can’t see any  worms or bruises, I want that one.

Kindly: But when you bite into it there will be worms all through your teeth and some of them will catch on the back of your throat and you’ll ralph all over the kitchen.

Truculent: That won't happen give me the apple.

Kindly: Are you sure you don't want the apple with the bruise?

Truculent: No I want the shiny apple give it me.

Takes bite. Doors swing open. Viral soup swirls through towns and cities. You still don't get your tourism back, not really, and your economy isn’t any better and in fact it starts getting worse.

Truculent: This apple is full of worms! What the fuck? Give me the bruised one.

Kindly: Sorry the bruised one is gone now. 

9.40am

Back when I was still boozing my way through the liquor industry, Dad went into hospital one day to get all his varicose veins done. 

Mum rang the next morning.

I'm just calling to let you know Dad’s okay but the varicose vein operation didn’t go as well as they were hoping and, well, sorry to tell you but they had to take off the leg. 

I said No!! What?? How did it go so wrong? and alarmed words to that effect.

Mum, with a smile in her voice, said

No, not really. I just wondered why none of you rang to ask how he got on. 

11.40 am, making corrections

It dawned on me last night that in yesterday’s newsletter I got my Earle family appearances mixed up. It was Stacey, the night of the Valiant ride. Flash did love to put Justin Townes Earle on the player when we were drinking whisky though.

Also, apologies to Kim of Utah, sorry, the New Zealand National Party, for suggesting they got up to a bit of the old copy and paste. It would appear it was their agency.

Cheers for that, Rachel.

We still, though, appear to have some evidence of the party using an overseas outfit to do a job that maybe a local company would be keen to do. Maybe there's an explanation for that too. Let's hope so. You'd hope the party of free enterprise was into supporting local, you know, enterprise.

1.00pm

The Minister and the DG of Health are at the podium, possibly treating us like kids, but offering helpful stuff all the same.

Our large aim is: returning life to greater normality 

The way it’s being done is: everything’s always being reviewed

We can see, with the benefit of hindsight, that: we reverted to normal in level 1 because we were confident and perhaps a little over-confident about no infection in the community. 

Thanks for that, anything we can do to help? Yep, Keep your distance, wear a mask.

The mask bit, how do you suggest we do that? Be sensible, wear it when in doubt and help to stop the spread.

Feeling at sea about how to wear mask with flair? No worries. Just take your lead from Libby Greatnews 

It's a mild inconvenience, really it is. If you can remember the Beverly Hillbillies, you’ll remember what it was like for years and years getting some people to wear their seat belt. But eventually everyone got over themselves and realised they weren’t the centre of the universe and that someone else might have more of a clue than they did.