The Book of Jacinda and Clarke

Sunday Reading

Now in the land of the mighty ABs where cyclists feared for their lives and the ice cream and beer was full of crunchy sugar, there came an leader

And Jacinda was her name

And Jacinda was not as other leaders

For she was not aged and worn

And nor was she an Tory

And nor was she an farmer

And nor was she an man

And many were the young and the female who did come to the booth of voting saying yay go Jacinda here have both my ticks 

But others did come saying what would that chick know about being a prime minister all she did was work in a fish and chip shop and go to uni give me strength.

For it is the right of the free person to share their ignorance at great volume,
except for when you are talking about the footy obviously

And when they did learn that Jacinda was to be leader they did wax exceeding sore

And even did they rend their garments
And great was their lamentation as they journeyed to Rodd and Gunn for new ones

And their wrath did fester 
And the odour did grow exceeding rank

Now Jacinda had an consort

And Clarke was his name 

And as an young man, Clarke did not rest in the parlour after sunset and mark the Sabbath
And neither did he play Scrabble

But rather did he play music

And he did play it in bars
And in radio stations did he also play it
And it was said of him, well we all know what those people get up to

And many were the rumours said about Clarke and about Jacinda
And of the merest truth these had not an mote
But it is the right of the free person to share their ignorance at great volume,
except for when you are talking about the footy obviously

And the angry did find fault in Jacinda at every hour of the day

And at night did they also find fault with her

And they did come to the Twitter and also to the Facebook saying, what kind of monster wants to be Prime Minister instead of starting a family?

And the day did come when Jacinda did beckon the scribes saying listen: come close, Clarke and I have some good news. We have been blessed with child.

And also she did say, We’ll keep you posted, now let’s get back to the questions, Tova first then Jessica.

And the angry men did come to the Twitter and also the Facebook saying, what kind of monster has a baby when she’s supposed to be running the country?

And also they did come saying, what kind of monster has a baby outside the bonds of sacred wedlock?


And an baby did arrive for Jacinda and Clarke

And Neve was her name

And Jacinda did take an maternity leave to be with Neve
And then did she return to her work saying: this is what I was talking about, we should all be able to find a way for motherhood to be incorporated into the working world better, why would we not want that?

And the angry men did come to the Twitter and also the Facebook saying well that’s just bullshit obviously go back to your fish and chip shop horseface stop ruining the country for men and other important people

And yet the GDP did go on rising 
And still did the beer and ice cream and bits of sugar flow

Now there came to an press conference an student

And the student did bravely raise her voice above Tova and Jessica saying, hey Prime Minister do you mind me asking what's that on your finger, it’s not an engagement ring is it girlfriend?

And Jacinda did say, well yes as a matter of fact Clarke and I have got around to getting married at last thanks very much for asking. Now Barry what was it you wanted to know?

And the angry men did come to the Twitter and also the Facebook saying, What kind of monster has a wedding while she's Prime Minister? Obviously she's trying to steal the election with soft publicity. Does she really think she can fool us? I very much hope we won't be seeing any of this shit in the Herald

And the Herald did hear their grievous lament

And it did say to them, listen: we hear you about the wedding but FYI we have our best people out there talking to anyone with anything bad at all to say about it

For the Herald was an organ with an point of view

And that point of view was, whatever it is you want to do we’re against it just leave things the way they are preferably with a bloke in charge turn to page 6 to hear Richard Prebble say it’s a shambles and page 9 for Steven Joyce saying the same thing only without the zingers and page 13 for a businesswoman's perspective from Frank O'Sullivan 

And the Herald did seek out the people with anything bad to say about the wedding

And the people with anything bad to say did come saying, listen: I thought they were going to book my restaurant for the wedding they decided our food was shit or something and they ghosted me. I sent them a bill for not making a booking but they told me to get fucked so obviously she’s Nuremberg or Messerschmidt or, you know, one of those guys. Did I read out that last bit right?

And the Herald did put these words into the newspaper of record

And the one known as Slater did come saying, listen: you will not believe what I have picked up with a long lens and a recording device in the dunny basically they are going to get run out of town on a rail if they so much as show their criminal faces let alone try on his and hers wedding frocks it’s way worse than they’re letting on

And the angry men did come to the Twitter and also the Facebook saying, listen: you will not believe what I found in the Herald and under the Slater log, it's even worse than we thought she's dropping 15 mill on the wedding and they're bringing in Lorde and Adele and Taylor Swift on a private jet and afterwards they’re all using the plane to flee the country and escape prosecution

And angry people of England and Australia and America with hate in their veins did also join in saying, I don't care if you think I have hate in my veins it’s a better thing to have in me than Pfi$er and anyway I reckon that war criminal has you under mind control if you can't see how dangerous she is I just hope a cyclone wipes out the wedding and carries baby Neve away not that she’s a real baby they can't fool me with those photoshop pictures

And Clarke and Jacinda did say unto each other, I suppose it will be a nice day as long as we leave our phones turned off