Auckland bridge is falling down

Diary of the last ten hours

6.05am

Awake to a beautiful spring Level 2.5 morning. Gaze across the villa roofs of our pretty seaside village. Gaze out into the distance. Gaze to where the Auckland Harbour bridge should be. Is it still standing? Yep. For now, anyway. 

We love our urban myths here in Tamaki Makaurau. That bridge has been just hours away from falling into the water ever since I moved here and was briefed in the customary manner, i.e. on the piss. No, straight up. My uncle’s an engineer. He knows. He wouldn't drive on the clip ons if you paid him. It's just a matter of time. Anyway whose round is it. Want another Heineken? 

Seriously, you can’t go five feet in Auckland without finding someone who’ll tell you this stuff. Judith Collins was doing it just weeks ago, when she was selling a tunnel through the Brynderwyns.

So now a strut on the bridge has been taken out and this has brought misery to a roading system which tries and fails each day to enable ever more people driving ever more cars to make ever more trips across this thing we call a city which is actually a sprawling collection of little towns joined together by motorway and cohabiting in a state of surly discontent.

7.10am

Reporters are out pointing their mics at Aucklanders trying to move their beloved car from its night-time car hutch to its daytime car pad.

It's a bit shit, says Auckland. Also: when are we getting another harbour crossing?

Someone should take some time today to type up a proposal to get Aucklanders across the harbour in the very best possible way.

7.40am

In today's episode of Vote National. No Really, We’re Serious the pop-up leader is doing her best to defend poor old Paora Goldsmith  of whom pollster Stephen Mills has tweeted:

Paul Goldsmith has now made simple arithmetic errors on their own Budget, on their tourism policy and on the Greens wealth tax. So much for being better on economic management.

She’s doing that thing which I don't really recall them teaching us in law school where you defend your client by saying everyone else is an idiot so what was he supposed to do. I show my respect for this ingenious work by turning the volume down to a point where only the cat remains looking irritated.

7.45am

Can't really hear, but think she’s now being asked why they changed their campaign slogan again.

Out goes:

Strong Team

Better Economy

Whatever Etc

In comes:

Your economy

Your future

In a time of plague, where the spirit is all look after one another and think of what's good for everyone and be all in it together, they’ve gone for, well, self-interest by the look of things.

Your economy

Your future 

Thus is kept alive the spirit of the 1975 Muldoon landslide campaign: New Zealand The Way You Want It  with its promise to scrap a super scheme that, had it lived, would be worth several hundred billion dollars today. Yay. Go shortsighted self-interest. 

Your economy

Your future 

Your terrible Muriel.

7.47am

Yes I know that’s a solecism.

9.16am

Take time out from writing some cool stuff about agritech to chat to the excellent client. I tell him: this is excellent, this agritech stuff. Can't wait to talk about it in the newsletter when you guys are ready. He says that sounds mighty. 

9.17am

Take time out from writing some very interesting stuff about agritech to compose an NCEA Level 1 Maths exam, National Party edition.

9.27am

NCEA Level 1 Maths exam, National Party edition

Head examiner: Paora Goldsmith.

Question 1

2+2 equals what?

a. 5

b. 666

c. 10% off for members

D. 5 plus GST

Question 2

54 minus 44 equals what?

a. 5444

b. 9 billion dollars in a hole

c. how many MPs we’ll have next time

d.OMG it’s c isn’t it

Question 3

Numbers in a document are incorrect and you are informed of this.

Correct numbers are on a website and the Treasury secretary tells you to use these ones.

Which numbers do you use?

a. Some other ones

b. 9 billion dollars in a hole

c. Whatever the Meme Group says

d. Get Gerry to threaten to push the numbers down the stairs if they don't behave.

Question 4

What is the square root of 69?

a. pie

b. 8 and a slice of pie

c. I can't think properly I like pies too much this is so unfair

d. 2, plus 2, so, um….5

Question 5

You find 9 billion dollars in a hole, what do you do?

a. Invest it in transformative enterprises for a carbon-free future

b. Build more roads

c. Build a road on top of the roads you just built 

d. Give it to hard working Mums and Dads going forward, but not losers working for like 20 an hour LOL who does that?

Question 5

How much do you make if you get 20 dollars an hour and you work 50 hours a week?

a. Enough

b. More than enough

c. Enough to buy a newspaper to read about people who can afford to buy a house.

d. 4 billion dollars. Or not. It’s inconsequential tbh.

2.15pm

 A proposal to get Aucklanders across the harbour in the very best possible way.

People are saying come on we have to build another harbour crossing, how about a 9 billion tunnel for cars or trains or some shit, that’d be perfect.

I say: give me 1 billion and I'll show you the future. 

My idea of a forward looking transport policy is one that embraces new ways of moving. 

I've banged on about it many times, in many places and sometimes I've made it a kind of joke. But forget all that. I’m typing in earnest. 

I propose a harbour crossing that is better, smarter, and way less costly.

Tunnels need not just be for cars. They can also be for happy people.

I propose an underwater tunnel where we cross from one side to the other at will on foot, scooter or on e-bike. The future is coming and it's full of e-bikes; please see previous editions of this newsletter. For much of what we do, an e-bike can meet our needs equally if not better.  

You could have it at the shortest point between Devonport and the city. That would be about 800 metres, by the look of it, from the Devonport ferry terminal to Bledisloe Wharf. A simple tunnel that has us moving at will, backwards and forwards across the harbour. 

That tunnel could carry a whole lot of traffic. The future is coming and it's full of e-bikes. They might be some kind of expensive toy for the affluent for now, but that's how cell phones were, once. It won't be long before those things are everyday and affordable and really, really good at getting us all over the place. Please see previous editions of this newsletter.

What kind of tunnel exactly? I propose the immersed tube approach. An immersed tube is a kind of modular undersea tunnel composed of segments. You construct chunks of it elsewhere, you float the chunk to the tunnel site, sink it into place, link all the chunks together, gasket them up tight as a drum and there you go. 

What would this magnificent vision cost? I asked my friend Vic-the-very-experienced-engineer to make his roughest ballpark estimate down on the back of a napkin and don't worry how rough as guts it is mate I won't use your name and he told me:

“Very much an estimated guess as there are no tunnels of this type in NZ. CRL rail tunnel is around $1B per km which includes stations. Ballpark for immersed tunnel - 500 to 700 million per km.”

There you go. Never mind your $9 billion that balloons out to $18 billion, just to perpetuate our doomed love affair with cars.

Spend $1 billion, let it balloon in the customary manner to $2 billion and you’re still way ahead. And you change everything. 

No ferry tyranny, no more traffic. You free  up the motorway for trucks and tradies and cars making only the journeys that are too far for bikes, and the rest of us glide about in bliss. 

The future is coming and it's full of e-bikes, please see previous editions of this newsletter. 

3.45pm

Reading survey results and thinking. 

I asked for your help last week in working out  the price for a monthly subscription to this newsletter. I’m thinking $7.99. There would still be some form of free option as well, but with paying subscribers I’d be able to keep this going as a daily thing and also offer a Sunday morning column. Just like old times. 

I’m thinking of lighting up this arrangement in the next few days. 

If you have any thoughts, feedback, do let me know. I’m really enjoying doing this, and appreciate the warm support so many of you have been offering. Hope we can keep it going.