The puzzling case of the MP who kept on not resigning; and assorted unconscionable creeps
Diary of the last ten hours and five decades of the National party
6.40am
Drinking my coffee, listening to Morning Report trying to make a bridge sound exciting, and thinking about the Prime Minister we used to call Piggy.
Whatever else you might have thought of National party politician Robert Muldoon, you would never for a moment have thought of him as the sort of person who would use nudes of his ex to bait random dudes for cybersex.
And you wouldn’t have thought of him as the sort of person who would slide into the DMs of teenagers to put the moves on them.
And you wouldn’t have thought of him as the sort of person who might put the photo of an MP on a toilet seat to make some kind of sick trophy.
But here we are, rolling in the gutter with National party politicians of the 21st century and looking back, almost in wonder, at the relative decency of the good old days.
These are not the thoughts that come to you first.
The thought that comes first is: jesus what a fucking creep, and that is why yesterday’s edition went straight to an obituary of Colin Craig and Jake Bezzant with a cameo by Nick Smith, because when this newsletter finds the greatest, deepest, most profound disdain for a person, it fetches a shovel.
Hello readers of the free newsletter! Here’s a bit of yesterday’s obit.
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7:34 am
Morning Report is joined by the commentator Brigitte Morton, and she is talking about the puzzling case of the MP who kept on not resigning.
He just never did! Long after it seemed like resigning would be the sensible thing to do: nothing. Old mate Dr Nick just stayed where he was.
Until this week, that is, when just like that: bang! Completely changes his mind!
It was almost as if something had ... happened.
Was it possible that Judith Collin - notwithstanding her reputation for playing with a straight bat, and being the kind of person you would totally trust in a lifeboat with no food if you fell asleep, and who never gives you the sense when she raises an eyebrow that someone is about to get ankle tapped, notwithstanding all that - is it possible she pulled some kind of string, or mind game, or something?
Do we sense some kind of Machiavellian plot? they ask commentator Brigitte Morton.
I don't know exactly what she answers, because I have judged this a good time to go and wash my hair, but energetic discussion on Twitter suggests the response is something along the lines of no, who would ever have the time and cunning to do that, and whatnot.
Oh well. She’s the expert on politics, so I guess it's just a funny old mystery.
But personally I would stay awake in the lifeboat.
11.15am
On the phone to a friend who knows politics very well and also knows a Machiavellian plot when she sees one, but we're talking more broadly about a deeper crisis; namely that it’s getting harder all the time to get good people to go into politics.
I’m thinking, as we’re talking, about a particular type of person who now seeks out this particular bluesky greenfield turnkey option, the young man with the skinny suit and the hair gel, looking to bolster the CV which in all likelihood has already had some energetic rubbing. I’m thinking: well, here we are. We have reached the LinkedIN era of politics. May god have mercy on our souls.
11.46am
Somewhat related, MTAF reader Foxy gets on the Twitter to do a little socio-economic commentary.
That, and what I’m about to add, is all anecdotal, granted. But if you have had an Auckland teenager in your house, you will have heard things about King's boy arrogance and self-regard and cockiness and expectation and shitty behaviour.
And you won't see that bit in their LinkedIN, or their candidate profile.
I don't mean to offend, because I don’t at all doubt there are plenty of good young men there too. But some of those stories? Disappointing to say the least.
12.36pm
What's the right music for this next story? The world’s smallest video? Or the closing credits from Curb Your Enthusiasm? It's both comical and utterly unsurprising.
Former Guy - as people who can't stand him call Trump - has shut down a blog he was ‘writing’ after only a few weeks, reportedly because he didn’t like that it was being mocked right around the world and had no readers.
What makes it really comical is the buildup the thing got beforehand from sawnoff nazi henchman Jason Miller
We’re going to see President Trump returning to social media in probably about two or three months here with his own platform…this is something that I think will be the hottest ticket in social media, it’s going to completely redefine the game, and everybody is going to be waiting and watching to see what exactly President Trump does.... this new platform is going to be big and everyone wants him, he’s gonna bring millions and millions, tens of millions of people to this new platform.
State of this guy!
Turns out this amazing new platform that was going to redefine the game was ….a blog. Even by their ludicrously devalued currency of hyperbole this was risible.
After all this time, Trump and his believers remain the most bewildering combination of unspeakably stupid and unbelievably dangerous.
12.38pm
Okay, one last instalment of Dire People Behaving Direly
MTAF reader Russell keeps an eye on this sort of shit so we can go on and have a nice day with decent well adjusted people. You won’t believe what you find in the rest of the thread. Internet soldier, we thank you for your service.
1.35pm
And a second and third salute to MTAF readers - here’s John Hart offering you a way to do some tree planting if you don't have a spare paddock, and Helen Searancke putting her money where her heart is.
3.00pm
There's still a lot to say about bikes, and a lot to respond to since Sunday’s rally.
But rather than ask you to keep reading on and on, here’s half an hour of me and Mary-Margaret in a podcast with Vincent Heeringa.
4.20pm
Sexual hypocrisy in the National party is hardly a new thing. Just think Piggy and Colin Moyle. And all the time the SIS was updating him about his deputy, Brian Talbot’s, and the ‘smart young men’ he’d serendipitously meet in the house bar at the Royal International.
Just spent three nights on Waiheke in a place that offered Sky. Stumbled upon an episode of The Final Cut and was reminded that Francis Urquhart was prone to a little eyebrow raising: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111960/mediaviewer/rm1700774400/
Also - I contend that Labour has been adding many good people to its caucus - especially the 'Class of 2020'. The selection process is robust and, more importantly, NZ Labour principles and policies attract candidates wanting to enter politics for worthwhile reasons.