The gospel according to Paora Goldsmith

Diary of the next twenty years.

Now in the land known as Aotearoa, where wingers ran fleet as gazelle, and the wine would run down your chin, there came an politician. 

And Paul was his name. 

And also was he known as Paora.

And this was an joke. Because in the tree of families Paul was somewhat of the people known as Tangata Whenua but he was chiefly of the people known as Hegemonic Colonisers. 

And he did make it known in books he did write for other people, and in electorates where he campaigned for other people to beat him, that he was pretty much all good with a bit of hegemonic colonising going forward.  

And also did he make it known that he was pretty much all good with not looking back too much.

And the people would come to him asking: What's that in the rear vision mirror? It's not an entire people being dispossessed and marginalised is it?

But of this Paora would say nothing, saying only Behold this living standard, what a little ripper, who made this eh?

And much would he praise the works of Hegemonic Colonisers. 

And much would he praise the works of Kiwi Mums and Dads doing it hard going forward up the property ladder.

And their works were indeed manifold.

Some would run oxen.

And some would run oxen and a few hoggets.

And some would run oxen and a couple of investment properties in Mt Roskill Mate.

And Paora saw that it was all good, saying you just have to get your foot on the housing ladder going forward and the market will do the rest. 

And Paora spoke the truth. For this was indeed Money for Nothing. And Tax was there none.

And it would be said if you did buy a house in this market: good on you.

And it would be said if you could buy five of them and get other people to pay your mortgage for you: go you good thing.

And a person might go to the scribes saying Check it out I already bought 5 and I want 25

And the scribes would not ask: do you not feel a bit shit that the government is spending 2 billion a year in subsidies to make this possible?

And neither would they ask: do you not feel a bit shit that you’re helping push the prices higher?

But many times would they ask: what advice do you have for the rest of us losers? Except for the bit about meditation and mindfulness LOL. We get enough of that shit on Instagram.

And lo there came to the land of unaffordable homes a man named Thiel.

And he was not as other men. For he was exceeding rich.

And also was he exceeding sore. For although he was exceeding rich, his fate was, as other men, to die. 

And many laboratories did he build. And much did he fill them with the blood of Monkeys and also of Bats and all of the beasts of the field, saying one of these has to work surely to God.

And also did he cast about for An Bolthole.

For even a rich man must have a place to flee in a time of plague or pitchfork.

And in this quest he did find a friend named John. 

And John was an Prime Minister.

And also was he an Rich Guy.

And he did greet Thiel saying: no worries old mate Pete, we’ll make you a citizen let’s crack a cold one.

And Citizen Thiel did take his Bolthole Papers and he did leave in his jet plane saying don’t know when I’ll be back again. 

And not for an year did he return.

And neither for five did he come back.

But verily 15 years later did an Jet Plane touch down in Queenstown.

And citizen Thiel did reappear saying to the scribes gather around the world is in a grievous state and that President AOC chick is doing my fucking head in. I have 200,000 friends of the Libertarian kind and they are coming in on the next thousand planes behind me. 

And the scribes did grow exceeding excited saying how many of them are celebs Pete can we have an exclusive?

But there was an scribe from the computer journal known as Newsroom who came saying: How do you get to bring in 200,000  people is that like some secret agreement you got from old mate John?

But answer from Thiel came there none.

And lo the land was soon full of Libertarians. 

And they did swarm across the countryside, and especially did they swarm to the town known as Wanaka, and also to Queenstown and also to Matamata.

And they did come saying:

I want your house here's some money and a copy of Atlas Shrugged hurry up with the title deeds we don't have all day btw where is Chris Liddell at?

And the Residents did say in the manner known as Kiwi:

Thanks but we’re all good bro.

And the Libertarians did look back at them unblinkingly saying:

Wtf we gave you the money already hurry up we don't have time for this. 

And the Newsroom scribe came again to Thiel saying:

Please explain where it says in the citizenship agreement you can pull this shit.

But Thiel  did spurn them saying:

That's not what the agreement means in my language,  I think you’ll find I’m fully within my rights. Anyway how did you get this number kindly make all further contact though my lawyers.

And the people of Aotearoa did try to stand their ground saying:

Sorry but we’re not selling.

But the Libertarians did stand their ground also.

And the tensions did steady rise.

And lo it came  to pass that Thiel did take to Facebook saying:

Enough is enough no more Mr Nice Guy we tried to reason with you but we have no choice now.

And an mercenary army did descend upon the last bus stop on the planet.

And they did bring with them an Navy of four ships.

And also an Air Force of three jets.

And they came saying: 

You might as well surrender now. You're completely outnumbered

And heroically did the Kiwis fight, and endlessly did they cry:

come at me bro if you all that

and

go hard or go home

and

full credit to the boys we left it all on the paddock

But the army of Thiel was exceeding large. And lo it came to pass that every last Kiwi was driven from their one, five, and 25 homes in Remuera and Khandallah and Bell Block.

And down were they driven into the dark brooding fields of Woodville, dejected and broken.

And Thiel did set about the business of Hegemonic Libertarian Colonisation.

And the scribe from Newsroom came saying:

I told you guys, I told you

But it was too late.

And now once more came Paora, saying to all who might listen:

We must teach our children about this so that never again are our people denied their capital gains going forward.