The Get Well Not Orwell Hospital, and Learning the Ropes With Barry

Thursday School Journal

The Get Well Not Orwell Hospital

We are at the special hospital.
It is called The Get Well Not Orwell Hospital.

It is for people who do not trust doctors and scientists and the Prime Minister.

The special hospital used to be called The Mighty Phar Lap Stud Farm.
It was a special home for horses.
Now it is a special home for people who do not believe the doctor when they say, you have a Covid in you sorry Mr Wilson.
It is also a home for people who do not want to have a vaccine put in them but do not mind having horse medicine put in them.
You can trust horse medicine because a horse will never lie to you.
Also the Lone Ranger had a horse.
It always makes you feel good when you see the Lone Ranger.

Damien and Sue are at the Get Well Not Orwell special hospital.
Damien and Sue do not trust doctors and scientists and the Prime Minister.

They have come to see their friends who have got sick.
Damian and Sue have come to find out if their friends have a Covid in them,
like the so-called Doctors said,
or if this is a lie or a conspiracy,
or a simple misunderstanding that can get all cleared up with Panadol.

The special hospital has many stables.
Each stable has a name, like a hospital ward.
They have been named after so-called diseases that needed so-called vaccines.

The Polio Stable has lovely beds made of straw.
It has lovely dream catchers hanging from the roof.
There are some words written on the wall.
These are called affirmations.
The affirmations say:
I am a Polo person, not a Polio person.
Damian and Sue try to take photos of the patients in front of the affirmations,
but all the patients say,
I’m very sorry Damien and Sue but it's just too hard for me to stand rn.

Now Damien and Sue are in the Smallpox Stable.
Their friend Craig is lying down with his hand over his forehead.
Hello Craig, says Damien, I see you are in a stable condition mate.
This is a Dad joke that Damien has made.
Craig tries to laugh for Damien but it is too hard for him to breathe and he will not stop gasping and it is quite awkward.

Sue and Damien tell Craig, got to go mate sorry can you direct us to the Scarlet Fever stable no don't get up it’s okay we'll work it out for ourselves.

Sue and Damien are in the Scarlet Fever Stable.
They have come to give a lecture about conspiracies and the Illuminati and homeopathy and arresting Jacinda and Ashley and a public trial for mass homicide.

It is taking a long time to get the Macbook to connect to the projector.
I don't trust Steve Jobs I heard he was friends with Soros says Sue.
It’s ready, says Damien, don't tell anyone but I had to use the 5G.
He looks around the room.
It is very still.
It is very empty.

Damien says to Sue,
It’s deathly quiet. Where is everybody?

Learning the Ropes With Barry

It is a busy day at the radio station.

There is so much to talk about!

There is the team at Northwestern Toyota who are your friends out west with a huge range of new and used vehicles, and Fairview Lifestyle Village, and New Zealand Gold Merchants who can tell you about the infinite potential of gold in your portfolio, and Settler Lifestyle Village, and trading up to a Crown forklift because there is nothing like a Crown, and terms and conditions apply.

Also there is the minute where Mike talks about the things that have been in his head.

Also, if you were awake earlier because you couldn’t sleep, there was Kate sounding cross.

Kate sounded cross because she was busy pushing pins into her Meghan Markle doll when the stupid girl came in with the coffee and spilled it all over the desk and the pin went into Kate’s finger. 

Ouch said Kate, except that is not the word she said ouch with.

Now the stupid girl will have to come back and clean up the desk. 

It is always very busy at the radio station.

It is especially busy at news time.

News time is very important because the radio station is called News.

This is Barry.

Barry’s job is to find news about politics.

Barry reads out news about politicians in a big loud voice like someone has just started the blender in the kitchen.

Barry has been writing and reading out news for a very long time. 

When you get a job in the newsroom Barry will tell you stories about the olden days. 

He will say of course I knew Gerry when he was a woodwork teacher, talk about hard case.

And he will say of course I knew Helen when she was a protester, talk about hard case.

And he will say of course I knew Julius Vogel when he couldn’t get 5 bob from the BNZ the bugger always disappeared when it was his shout.

When you get a job in the newsroom Barry will tell you he has a job for you to do.

He will say,

Jason go and get a quote from Jacinda about their budget shambles

Or he will say, 

Jason go to Judith’s press conference and ask her something stupid just to see what she says

Or he will say,  

Jason go to Bunnings and ask for a can of striped paint and a long weight 

Jason is at Bunnings.

They have told him to sit down while they take care of his order.

The shop people are laughing with each other and looking at Jason. 

Jason does not know why they are laughing but he laughs along with them.

It is fun to work for Barry.

Jason is back at the office. 

He only has the paint but not the weight, but Barry is not angry, he is laughing.

It is fun to work for Barry.

Barry says to Jason,

Let me show you how to do a column Jason.

Barry says,

The first thing you need is something to write about. Where are some places you can find something to write about, Jason?

Jason says,

Bunnings?

Barry says,

You're a bit of a hard case aren't you mate.

Barry says,

The best way to get things to write about is to go to a press conference and listen to what they say, or have a drink with somebody and try to remember what they said, or think of something annoying that happened in the weekend to you and the missus.

Barry says,

Then before you go to bed what you do is you write down five words in your notebook to remind you what you found out.

Jason says,

Then what do you do?

Barry says,

Well then you have a sleep.

Jason says,

What happens then?

Barry says,

Well the bloody phone will ring and the radio station will say you ready in ninety seconds Baz? So then you smash your hand all over the bedside table until you find your notebook.

Barry is taking out his notebook. 

It is covered in round red marks.

Barry opens it up and shows it to Jason. 

Barry says,

Here’s what I had this morning 

The words on the page say: 

Elimination strategy scrapped? 

And 

Spin

And 

Airbnb

Barry says,

Okay so we need to add a whole lot of words to fill up the two minutes. So see where it says elimination strategy? What you want to do is give it a bigger name that makes it sound like some idiot thought of it. So you call it the Government's impossible Covid elimination strategy.

Barry says,

And to make it sound like something happened even if it never did, you say 

It's official, 

and 

it’s been scrapped.

Barry says,

Do you know why people listen to us Jason?

Jason says,

To get the news?

Barry says,

Hard case! No, they want to hear that politicians are ratbags. So what you say is:

But don't expect them to admit to that.

Barry says to Jason,

Look here’s how it ended up. Have a read of that while you’re getting us coffee.

Jason is standing at the coffee cart.

He is reading the column. It says: 

It's official, the Government's impossible Covid elimination strategy has been scrapped, although don't expect them to admit to that. Just like they would never accept that the Alert Level 4 lockdown in Auckland hasn't been anything but a raging success. 

The spin is that if they had waited just one more week before turning the lock there would be at least five thousand cases by now. That of course we will never know, although under Level 3, if you listen to the Beehive's puppet master Ashley Bloomfield, the numbers will now rumble along. That in epidemiological speak presumably means expect the numbers to grow. 

If you think that's bad, think about the way some farewelled the last weekend of the lockdown level in Auckland. The Airbnb next to us in Ponsonby was rocking from early evening on Saturday, not letting up right through the night until checkout at 10 on Sunday morning. 

Jason looks at all the words.

Jason thinks about Barry talking on the the phone like someone has turned on the blender.

Jason wonders if he will ever get as good at this as Barry.

Birthday greetings and many happy returns to solid gold pal of More Than A Feilding Skinny Le Doak. May your day be splendid, Alan, and may it bring you some most excellent tunes.