The Book of Smoke
Weekend freebie edition
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I’d love to be able to give it all away, but sadly New World and the bookshop and Hammer Hardware continue to put their stuff behind a paywall, so I’m forced to follow suit. Trust you understand.
In a moment, this week's free edition, The Book of Smoke, plus a preview of other recent editions.
But first, the button.
The Book of Smoke
Sunday column 4 Feb
Now, in the time of Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman
and the films of noir
there was always an cigarette.
And this was very good for the ones known as Big Tobacco
And advertising, also,
was exceeding good for the sellers of cigarettes.
And many were the shekels made by Big Tobacco.
And many millions and millions,
and even millions more,
did they make.
For once you started smoking a cigarette,
you just could not seem to stop doing it.
But now there came the scientists in white coats, saying:
Look, we don't want to freak anyone out
but we’ve had these rats on twenty a day
and now they’ve all got lung cancer.
Guys, we think smoking might not be good for you.
And the makers of cigarettes did chuckle, saying,
Get a load of Brains over there
trying to stop you from enjoying your manly cigarette.
What are you going to tell us next,
eating delicious steak fat will give you a heart attack?
LOL
But the scientists did press on, saying unto the rats,
Here, have another twenty, little guys.
And they did come again, saying,
Yep, we’re sure now.
Totally gives you cancer.
And btw, that nicotine?
More addictive than heroin.
I mean, if you ask us this stuff should be banned.
And the makers of cigarettes did no longer chuckle
but did say instead,
Where do these clowns get off?
Here, look at these studies we paid for that say something totally different.
Carry on smoking and be a man.
Or a cool chick.
But the makers of cigarettes did have an secret.
For they too had the dead rats.
And they knew they spake an untruth.
And there would be swallowing to be done.
And the scientists in white coats did not cease.
And louder and louder did they grow.
And governments did heed their words,
once they could not hear themselves think over all the shouting.
And laws did pass saying:
This can cause cancer
and heart disease
and damage your baby.
Please, we know it’s more addictive than heroin but in the name of God stop.
And laws did pass saying:
You can't smoke here
or here
or almost anywhere.
And also the tax will be going up and up and up
because we really want you to stop, my dudes.
And in the land of the mighty ABs,
they did go further than anybody saying,
You know what,
we're going to make it illegal to sell our product to anyone born after this here date.
We’re going to let them just die away.
The smokes, we mean.
Not the people.
And these were dark days for the sellers of cigarettes.
For the pile of dead rats did make it clear now:
Only an fool would smoke.
And only an fool
or someone who likes money more than people,
would help in the dirty business of selling addictive death sticks.
But now in the land of the mighty ABs,
there came the ones known as NZ First.
And they were not as other political parties.
For NZ First was made of the kind of person
who doth use the chainsaw
without starting the engine.
And this is the kind of person who will say,
Don't tell me what to do this is my life I'll do what I bloody like.
and,
If I want to smoke, that's my right.
and,
If you're so smart, why did you let them
put a deadly vaccine up ya?
Eh?
You know it's already killed
half a million honest kiwis don't ya?
And of votes, NZ First did get but an few.
But an few was enough.
And the one known as Chris did say,
I will be your bestie for your votes.
Come and sit next to me and tell me everything you want,
don't hold back.
And Chris,
and his new bestie,
and the ones known as Indecent ACT,
did make a beast with three backs.
Even though Chris was without spine.
And the beast with three backs did come saying,
Hey groundbreaking world-leading legislation: U R so dumped.
And the people did stir, saying,
You what now,?
Seriously?
WTF?
And the beast with three backs did answer, saying,
We firmly believe <insert the line from Big Tobacco here, please press secretary>
And also they did say,
Look we hear you, but the fact is: <insert the line from Big Tobacco here, please press secretary>
And the sellers of cigarettes did beam, saying,
You know what?
Having old Bish on the lavish payroll
wasn’t such a waste of money after all.
And having those ex-NZ First guys on board is looking pretty sweet too.
Did you see our guy at Shane Jones' swearing in?
Oh, and can someone do a few lines for poor old Casey Costello?
And they did fall silent for a moment, smirking.
And then one did say:
It’s just like old Humphrey Bogart said,
Things are never so bad they can't be made worse.
And in the land of the mighty ABs,
the people did look at the beast with three backs, saying,
We thought this was going to be all about the cost of living, or some shit.
Does someone need to say something, do you think?
Also this week in More Than A Feilding
Friday
Week in review, quiz style
Thursday
An illustrated guide to the mendacity of David Seymour
Wednesday:
Cookie Cutter Speech
Rt Hon Chris Topher Luxon PM,
MVP, QED, McDonald’s Employee of the Month Sept 1996
Monday
You start by making a noise
