The Book of Cars

Sunday reading

Chapter 1

Now in the land of the Kiwi blokes and also the Kiwi sheilas,
there came an minister

And this minister was not an holy man
But rather he was an man of an Unholy Alliance
And this was an alliance between the men who liked to build things and the government known as National

And the minister did say,
we’re going to get stuck in and build an unholy amount of motorways
And also he did say,
because motorways and cars equal freedom

And the kiwi blokes and also the kiwi sheilas did nod at this
And they did say unto each other,
motorways and cars equal freedom

Chapter 2

And they did turn their back on the old ways

And they did do this even though the old ways were good
Because you could get on an tram on Dominion Road
and go all the way to Farmers
And also you could go to the DIC
And also to the boozer mate
for some rugby and some racing and some beer
or if you preferred,
some beer and some racing and some rugby
For these were simpler times

And you could sit and read your newspaper or your book or your Best Bets
And you would worry not about the driving
And neither would you worry about the congestion
For this was the problem of some other bastard

And the tram did run upon electricity
And also did it run in Wellington
And in Christchurch also did it carry multitudes

Chapter 3

And the little kiwi blokes and also the little kiwi sheilas
did make their way to school by bicycle
And it was good
And they did partake of healthy exercise.
And also did they not suffer, the little children
For they did cycle in multitudes, and you would have to be some sort of absolute no-hoper to drive badly around the wee kiddies

Chapter 4

Now,
many were the roads built by the Unholy Alliance
And many were the cars purchased by the kiwi blokes and sheilas in order to go forward

And many were the drivers that did hurtle upon these roads
And seatbelts wore they none
And liquor did they guzzle
And an unholy mess did it become

But they did say unto one another,
ever mind the carnage we love our freedom and we love our roads
And also did they wail and lament,
Look at the state of this traffic. We need more roads is what we need

And the Unholy Alliance did build ever more roads
And the Kiwis did buy ever more cars.

Chapter 5

Now, there came one day an Prime Minister
And Muldoon was his name

And he was not as other politicians
For he was sore wrathful
And also was he sore cunning
And it was said of Muldoon that you did not cross him if you knew what was bloody good for you

Chapter 6

And there came too an shock
And Oil Price was its name
And Muldoon did say unto the people:
Well, the Mad Arabs have turned off the tap
And also did he say,
The price of petrol is eating into our freedom
And the people did say unto each other,
You’re not bloody kidding look what it cost me to fill the V8 Charger

And Muldoon did declare,
From now on no driving on Sundays for anybody
And also on one other day of the week,
according to your numberplate

And there was much wailing and rending of garments
And some did obey
And some did cover their numberplates with cardboard
And also did they skulk about in their vehicles as thieves unto the night

Chapter 7

And Muldoon did also declare,
Obviously we can’t be left depending on Mad Arabs so we’re going to Think Big and get self sufficient with you know, hydro dams and synthetic petrol and a refinery whatnot

And also did he declare, Think Big, National for Growth

And the oil crisis did pass
And the people did forget whatever the lesson was sorry mate I was watching the Test

And they did return unto to their cars
And the motorways did continue to multiply

Chapter 8

And it came to pass that Muldoon was cast down
For the money he had borrowed to Think Big was an shitload

Chapter 9

And a new prophet did arise
And Roger was his name

And he did come saying,
Listen, we love our freedom right?
Well so does the market, so we’re gonna set that free as well and we’ll be absolutely rolling in it no worries
And also did he say,
So we’re gonna deregulate everything

And the people did stare at him blankly
And Roger did explain,
It means you can import whatever the bloody hell you like

Chapter 10

And lo, from across the ocean came untold ships
And with Toyotas and Mazdas and Nissans and Hondas and also Subarus were they laden

And they were an bargain mate, look at the price it even has electric windows!
And the people did rejoice
For now could they afford two cars, even three cars
And some did buy even four

Chapter 11

And it came to pass that the Kiwi blokes and sheilas did have more cars per capita than almost any nation upon the earth

And the people did say, This is freedom
And also did they say, This is progress

And the roads did groan sore loud under the weight of the cars
And the Unholy Alliance did say, More roads, obviously

Chapter 12

Now through these years there came an drumbeat
And the drumbeat did say,
Global Warming you guys

And there came an great many scientists with worry upon their faces saying,
Listen, TLDR we’re rooted if we don’t stop burning petrol in these cars

And some did hearken to this saying,
Perhaps we should worry about this
Perhaps we should try solar panels
And also electric vehicles
And maybe we could ride bikes more often

And the Unholy Alliance did sneer
And also did the petrolheads sneer
And they did say,
Solar panels are for hippies
And electric vehicles are for woke Wellington bureaucrats
And bikes are for children and also for poor people who cannot afford real transport

And they did mock those who worried, saying greenies and also tree-huggers
And also did they say,
The sky is not falling
And
Climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese
Or possibly by the UN
We forget which

And the treehuggers did try and try again to explain,
If you try some of these alternatives
you could save thousands and thousands of dollars
and you’d have a way to get around if the petrol runs out

But the sneering abated not

Chapter 13

But then did an Unholy War break out
And the oil price did shoot up like an rocket
And also did supplies run low
And the kiwi peoples did cry out
For it did cost them an hundred and forty dollars to fill the Ranger

Chapter 14

And they did come wailing and rending garments saying,
The fuck??
And also,
What now??
And the government did say,
We might have to look at cough carless days cough

And the people did say,
Oh FFS what have you been doing you absolute clowns you’re supposed to be business geniuses have you not been thinking ahead for us?

And they did sit in their cars
and they did wait for something to happen