Speech day at Kia Kaha Primary School
Thursday School Journal
It is speech day at Kia Kaha Primary School!
The topic this year is “What I would totally do to keep Covid out of this school.”
It is very hard to be the best speech maker at Kia Kaha primary school because the quality of speech making is extremely high.
This is something the Principal tells the students so they will feel good about themselves.
But they are not very good really.
John has come to give a speech.
John doesn't go to Kia Kaha primary school any more but the Principal has let him give a speech anyway.
When the Principal looks at John, her eyes get shiny.
John stands up to talk.
He has a speech in his hands.
Someone else has written the speech for John.
But it says what John thinks, so that is alright.
John says,
Yeah hi you guys, no offence but actually this place is a dull dump because you’re all ‘oooh Covid is sooooo scary’.
John says,
I’ve been to heaps of other schools that have Covid and they’re doing like heaps of cool stuff because they're not pussies.
John says,
So if you want to do cool stuff too this is what you need to do: you need to start handing out money.
John says,
Some people will be like, ‘oh you can't buy people, people have principles’, or they'll be like ‘25 bucks is way too not enough’, but I’m like yeah whatever, wake up and smell the coffee, losers.
John says,
Thank you for coming to my Covid talk.
The Principal says,
Thank you very much John.
The Principal’s eyes are shining.
It is David’s turn.
David has brought a picture of a man with a beard.
The picture is as big as David.
It is very heavy to move.
David points at the picture and says,
This is Charles Darwin.
He discovered that Dinosaurs were asteroid-intolerant.
He was a great man.
He said it was a bad idea to choose to be a Dinosaur if asteroids were attacking the earth.
How true that is.
David says,
I feel sorry for people who choose to be vulnerable but we can't wait for you forever.
Your wheelchairs and whatnot are slowing us down.
You need to get a positive mental attitude.
You need to stop seeing Covid as a threat and start seeing it as an opportunity going forward.
You need to get Agile and do some sprints.
In conclusion, Covid is an asteroid and if you are a Dinosaur we can't wait for you but we will be thinking of you as we lie on the beach having a Great Kiwi Summer.
David drags his picture off the stage.
It makes a big scraping noise.
Now it is Judith and Christopher and Shane’s turn.
Judith says,
Hello everyone we are going to be doing our speech archipelago-style and Chris will make drum and beast noises.
The principal waves her hand.
She says in a gentle voice,
Just before you go on Judith, it’s ‘acapella’ and ‘drum and bass’.
Judith puts her hands upon her hips and says,
I think you’ll find that's what we said Miss Barry.
The principal smiles kindly.
She says,
Yes. Maybe I didn't hear you properly. Do go on.
Judith stands at one side of the stage.
Christopher stands at the other.
Shane stands in the middle.
Shane looks worried.
Judith and Christopher make loud noises!
Vroom! Vroom! they go!
Now they begin running towards Shane!
They crash into Shane!
Crash! says Christopher
Ouch! says Judith
Poor Shane!
Everyone in the assembly hall looks at them.
It is very quiet.
Judith says,
What you just saw is a car crash.
There are car crashes every day.
But do we say ‘Oh well I won’t use a car I might have a crash, I will just get on a stupid bike instead’?
No we don't.
Do we say ‘We must ban all the cars’?
No we don’t.
We keep driving cars and going crash and ouch.
And that is what it should be like with Covid.
Judith says,
There are people who are experts who say you can totally respect the Five Second Rule and let a little bit of Covid be milling around the place.
I won't say who they are because I promised I wouldn’t, but they told us that would be okay, even if more than a million people were unprotected. Also, it totally wouldn’t kill thousands and thousands of people.
And also they said it would be okay to let heaps of people come to New Zealand as long as you ask them: ‘do you have vaccine inside you and can you prove it?’ And then you can let them go and be in New Zealand wherever they like and the Covid probably won't get out.
And if it does, well you just build more nurses. It’s not rocket surgery.
Judith says,
Basically if lots of us have got jabs inside us we shouldn't have to wait for all the others to decide to get them too. So it’s okay to pretend we don’t need to.
Judith says,
Thank you for facing the front and paying attention.
Now Chris will make some drum and beast noises.
Paul has a speech to give too.
No-one knew he was going to give a speech because Paul hasn't been at school for ages and ages and lots of the students have forgotten about him.
He stands up and says,
Hello everyone do you know where I live now?
I live in Palm Springs.
I live next door to the Beverly Hillbillies.
It is nice to live next to Elly May.
He says,
I bet you would like to live next to Elly May.
But you can't. Because you are just sitting here putting your hand up each day going ‘ooh Miss Barry pick me pick me’. You should ask yourself what kind of person just sits on the mat day after day putting their hand up.
Paul says,
If you ever want to get to put Coppertone on Elly May you have to think like Edmund Hillary-Barry and Richard Pierce. They were gutsy ballsy people who invented Mt Everest and discovered flying and they were way braver than any of you losers.
He says,
They wouldn't have been scared of Covid and we shouldn't be either. None of the people in Palm Springs are scared of Covid, not even the dead ones.
So if you want to get to put tanning lotion on Elly May some day you need to think about what you are doing with your lives you total losers.
Paul sits down.
Miss Barry looks at Paul.
She has a funny look on her face.
Now Miss Barry looks at Jacinda.
She says,
What about you Jacinda?
Jacinda gets up.
She takes off her mask.
She puts sanitiser all over her hands.
She rubs them.
She looks around at everyone.
She says,
Tēnā koutou katoa. Good afternoon, everyone. Today, I don't have a speech because my computer froze, but I’ll be happy to take your questions. Who’s first?
Not you Jason LOL, let's begin with Jessica or Tova.
Jessica says,
Hey Jacinda, John and Paul just called us losers.
Do you reckon there’ll be a fight after school?
Jacinda says,
I don't know, Jessica, but I would just ask everyone to consider being kind, even if it just about kills them.
My patience is being sorely tested by all these reckless reckons and their callous, ostrich-like underpinnings. If there were even a modicum of good faith about engaging in genuine and transparent debate, like 'hey guys, can we put our heads together and try to figure out what is the best way for all of us in our plucky team of five million to get out of Dodge safely, and here's what our (named) experts have advised us and can they talk with yours (in a respectful manner, Fran!) and let's see where that gets us' - then that actually would be useful. I'm sure the government isn't so arrogant to think it has the franchise on good ideas. But no, its all about point scoring and game playing and appealing to sectional interests at the expense of the greater good and continuously sniping and undermining the collective effort and making out as if incompetent, lazy Boris-clowns are in charge, when the overall state of play tell us its quite the opposite. The moral recklessness of playing politics over peoples lives and livelihood is not anything remotely approximating good leadership. Its utterly unforgiveable.
I love this format and as a former English teacher, I can tell you, the speeches are spot on. There's always that kid who relies on a whiff of past charisma, another who just turns up and does something random, and the group who think some sort of distracting role play will cover up their total lack of ideas and research. 10/10 column.