Simon Bridges' favourite thing: his toast rack

Your Weekend, Aug 2019

Take a look at this toast rack. I made it in woodwork in Form 2. A toast rack, with a thought for the day inscribed on it. And look here, underneath, I've still got the mark. 6/10. Could have been a builder, eh?

I wrote the thought for the day onto it with a soldering iron.

It says: Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right. That's Henry Ford. Our teacher Mr Bridger suggested it.

I always think I can, and I'm always right.

I can still remember him coming over to me as I was hammering and showing it to me in his book of quotations. He said: A little bit of self-confidence can be a big help, Simon, never forget that. And then he gently took the hammer, turned it around, put it back in my hand and said: This is the end you should be holding.

It came up pretty well, the toast rack, I reckon. I look at it every morning as I'm eating my Marmite on Vogel's and think to myself: You can do this, Simon, you can. You know you're right.

That's why I don't get worried when your Tova O'Briens and your Jessica Mutches get their microphone into your face and want to know when you're going to get rolled. If they ever leave a nagging little bit of doubt in my mind, I just pull out the toast rack.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I can do everything. I'm so clueless about some things you could call me Phil Twyford. Tying shoelaces, for example. Hopeless. Mr Bridger tried to teach me how to do them, but there wasn't room on the toast rack for a diagram as well.

But that's OK. I have a loyal deputy who's always there to do the practical things. At a press conference when I'm busy being leader of the Opposition, she'll be there to pour me a glass of water or sort out my laces when they come undone. I just have to say: Fix that, will you love? and she's onto it. You might hear her muttering something like more useless than Maureen, but no worries, she's always there to come around behind the lectern and get me fixed up while I'm keeping the strong, confident leadership going for the cameras, and that's what teamwork is all about.

You might think it's hard graft being the leader of the Opposition but nah.

For starters, I've got the worst ever government in the history of New Zealand doing the hard work for me. Also the job's a lot easier now thanks to post-truth politics and social media. All you have to do is say something with a decent bit of dog whistle and keep repeating it. It doesn't really matter whether it's right or not. Actually it's better if it isn't right because everyone goes: Oh you said she's a part-time prime minister, that's not very nice, and then you have a week of everyone saying part time prime minister, that's not very nice and what's the only part of the story people remember a month later? You got it: Part-time prime minister.

Honestly, it was harder work locking up dope dealers in Tauranga.

It's a good idea not to overthink things. Basically, if you want things to stay the same, you vote National. If you want things to change, vote for Labour, If you want the change to actually happen, vote for the Greens. And if you want things to change completely and also stay exactly the same, but with more episodes of Coronation Street, vote New Zealand First.

Honestly what's the big deal about change? Who doesn't like New Zealand the way it is, with its Pineapple Lumps and its fish and chips and its beaches and its award-winning Tauranga pies? When I'm the leader of this great country, you can rely on me to get out of the way, and let hardworking Kiwis keep on doing what they're doing, whether they're selling yoga pants in a Lululemon store or building roads, or expanding their dairy farm or doing some hard-working property development, or using dairy farming money to develop a Lululemon store with a carpark building.

We just had an excellent conference. Naturally, I took along the toast rack and also my wife, Natalie. I'm lucky to have her beside me. People loved it when she did the talking. She gives me a really good understanding of a woman's point of view, and look, I don't want to be unkind, but the plain fact is Jacinda doesn't have a wife to talk to, and without that I just don't know how she imagines she can tap into the way women are thinking. Also, I doubt she has a toast rack.