Happy now, don't know about Judith Collins.

Diary of the last, oh, 11 hours?

4.45am

Wake to no rain, and no need to get up for the bathroom. I propose to write something soon about the first lockdown and an MRI and possibly some wild oversharing about my prostate and a good news story about drugs, but today is not that day because oh my lord it’s all about to fully kick off on Morning Report.

7.10am

The morning’s news agenda has been set by a press conference held yesterday by the two people who appear, thanks to the angle of this photo, to be possibly serious politicians and also possibly a ventriloquist and her dummy. Those two people are Judith Collins and Gerry Brownlee.

Did I say press conference? A better word might be Q-ANNOUNCEMENT. Gerry Brownlee cleared his throat and delivered a most mysterious collection of facts. 

• For some reason the government a few weeks ago began talking about a possible further outbreak!

• And next it was talking up masks!

• And next the Prime Minister made a visit to …..a mask factory!

• And next, after 103 days of no community transmission whatsoever, suddenly Dr Bloomfield takes a test himself!

• And next there’s an announcement of a fresh Level 3 lockdown!

What did he mean by this? What was he insinuating? For those of us who are non-dog, what exactly was the tune he was whistling?

I’m just outlining facts, he said, it’s an interesting series of facts.

Yes, how weird, what strange things for them to have been saying during the weeks when Victoria, which had thought it had the plague under control, saw everything spiral away and was sharing information about the crucial importance of masks and stopping resurgence.

Yes, how weird, coming on the heels of the Ministry of Health warning us over and over that this could happen again and that it was just a matter of time.

But wait a minute, is it possible that the desperate Labour party, sensing the opposition snapping at their heels just 25% behind, had felt it necessary to manufacture a crisis? Might they be prepared to do that even in the certain likelihood of being found out trying to pull shit like that?

On the line is Finance Minister Grant Robertson, and he is invited to respond to this stuff, and at last we find ourselves being addressed by a politician who sounds like a responsible sane adult and not a swivel-eyed cynical political opportunist: Ridiculous. Nonsense. We are committed to keeping New Zealanders safe. Why on earth would we do that.

Why indeed. Perhaps we can be guided by this tweet:

7.20 am

Thought, as they talk to Shaun Hendy, who is nervous about super spreaders: Jeez how about until this is over we treat close drinking as a super spreader hazard.

8.35 am

I am making cheese scones and Kim Hill is absolutely cooking with gas. On the line is the pop-up leader of the opposition and she too has been invited to respond to all this stuff. 

Kim Hill asks:

We heard what Gerry Brownlee your deputy said the other day. He suggested that it was very interesting timing that she should have gone to a mask factory and that we were told to get masks and then we were told that Covid19 was in the community.

What did he mean by that?

Judith Collins deploys her beloved not my circus not my monkeys line:

Well you should ask him.

Kim presses the ventriloquist for an answer. The ventriloquist prevaricates. But obfuscation will not be accepted.

The meaning of what was said and the question of whether she is prepared to defend this accusation will be pursued all the way up the pipe. The ferret will have its rat.

Kim Hill: Are you saying that they knew something they were not telling us?

Judith Collins: I have not said that.

Kim Hill: Right. Thank you for clarifying that.

A surgical standard of interviewing can be greatly satisfying for anyone who has ever been frustrated to watch a politician drop a payload of insinuation and then pretend they weren't even in the plane. You might get that past Duncan Garner or Mike Hosking but you won’t get it past Kim Hill. 

But wait what's this? Having come out with her hands up just a few moments ago, the leader of the opposition is trying to fire off the insinuation again.

Kim Hill: Do you think that you mis-played your cards as leader of the National party when you allowed Gerry Brownlee to dog whistle conspiracy theories?

Judith Collins: Gerry Brownlee was simply stating some of the information that's been provided to us.

Hill: What is the information that's been provided to you that suggests that the government and the DG of health is covering up information?

Collins: Well he hasn't actually said that has he? I think it's very clear that we’re not going to talk about, worry about that. What we are talking about and very concerned about is...

Hill: It's not very clear that you're not going to be talking about that because you were talking about it yesterday.

The notion that Judith Collins might be a sharp operator is one I formed years ago,  listening to Checkpoint one afternoon as I was peeling potatoes. She and Mary Wilson were in a blinder of a verbal tennis match. Australian Open Finals standard. 

But the years went by and I’d think: they had all those chances to put her in charge and somehow they never did. Strange. Almost as though if you’d had a closer experience  with her, you’d found she didn’t have what was needed, that she was perhaps more snark than substance, more carp than capability. Almost as though her devastating forehand is mostly just a serving of bad faith.

Pretending you don't know what your deputy was insisting on yesterday when he was standing right next to you, and when everyone else in the room knew exactly what he was doing, makes you either disingenuous or crashingly clueless. Take your pick, own up to whichever it is. And don’t pretend things are all wrong when you know that’s not right.

Collins: People need to have that information.

Hill: People that have that information now Miss Collins.

On they go, and the balls just keep finding the net.

Hill: Would you, Miss Collins, have opposed putting Auckland into level 3?

Collins: I’ve already said Kim, and I'm sure you know, that I would not oppose that. And that was very clear. I don't think there was any other choice. I've said that on numerous occasions yesterday so I don't know why you are asking me now, it's very clear.

In other words, the leader of the opposition is saying they would do just what this government is doing only they would somehow do it better. This is asking the voters for a quite heroic leap of faith while this strong team keeps going forward in a style that might be best described as vaudeville or deeply cynical, or harmful to the common good.

9.05am

That was cooked. So, now, are the scones. My recipe of choice has changed since I first shared one in a Sunday paper. That one was the Annabel Langbein recipe. Great, but a bit tangy thanks to the yoghurt. I moved on to this Ministry of Food one and it was also great. But I found this cheese puff one the other day and well, get a load of these, fresh this morning. Delicious. 

9.12am

Eating warmth, and cheese, and thinking that the obvious next chase for a press gallery that lives for spills and intrigues and blood in the water must be: will the caucus be happy to watch this shambles, this cynical undermining of the collective national good, or will they cook up another pop-up?

11.10am

Daughter, out of an abundance of caution, is going to the doctor to get the Covid test because her commute to work last week had her on crowded morning buses with  kids going to Mt Albert Grammar. She tells us she’s setting off, we wish her well by text message. Karren’s emoji game is much superior to mine.

11.18am

Protesters in Whangarei are on the street with signs saying they do not consent to this.

Good one. There’s a phrase Judith Collins likes to use to conclude a Twitter exchange: happy now?

There you go, your seeds of distrust have sprouted their first crappy weeds, happy now?

12.20pm

Can the grownups come up with better stuff than this shit? You bet.

Up pops The Conversation with a number of additional sensible measures to help us move towards safety. I’m happy now.