Election 2020: How It Ends

Diary of the last 6 hours

9.12am

Judith Collins is on my radio talking with Kathryn Ryan but the mind wanders. I reflect upon life, potatoes, alienation, and the electoral experience. If the Electoral Commission had its way, we’d still have 37 days left. Yay. How have you found this election? Was it good for you? Would you like to do it all again?

Before you answer, let me offer a note of sunny optimism. Here's a photo that shines a glimmer of light. The future! Here comes a different year! Finally, the benighted 2020  of approximately 70,000 days approaches its late stages. Just one sabotaged American election and perhaps implosion to go, one Melbourne Cup, one space junk collision, and we’re done. Maybe.

Meanwhile, if you can spare a few minutes, how about we run a quick market survey over this election? Please and thank you. Just underline in red everything you feel strongly about, and copy and retweet if you feel like it.

What is your opinion of Jami-Lee Ross?

• Chancer

• Unreliable chancer

• Unreliable chancer about to have his ass handed to him

What is your opinion of Simon Bridges?

• Not so bad once you’ve seen him with a Yak

• Not so bad once you’ve seen Collins disrespecting everyone in New Zealand apart from non-green farmers and thin Samoans

• Stuffed if you know how he could have been mates with Jami-Lee Ross

Which of the following National party MPs could you name in a pub quiz?

• Todd Robert Mueller Luxon

• The one who got caught sending text messages

• The one who took over the Bill English seat for life then had to resign

• The next one who took over the Bill English seat for life then had to resign

• The next one who’s about to take over the Bill English seat for life

• A South Island National party MP who hasn’t been in trouble 

• Something something Michael Woodhouse

How did you feel about Michelle Boag disappearing into thin air?

• Even 2020 wasn't all bad

• I still duck when I hear a helicopter

• I only have to see Judith Collins raise an eyebrow and she's in my nightmares again

How did you feel about Matthew Hooton not disappearing into thin air?

• 2020 was the worst

• I still flinch when someone hands me the business section

• That thing you wrote about newts and toads gives me PTSD

Which lies do you find improbable?

• The ones about a wealth tax

• The ones about border management

• The ones about tunnels in Manapouri being used by traffickers that also ask you to send 2 hundy to Billy TK 

• The ones about 5G and Covid that also ask you to send 2 hundy to Billy TK 

• The ones about a Strong Team

Which of the following  phrases do you never want to hear again?

• Actually you know what

• Actually 

• Dr Shane

• Actually Dr Shane

What does personal responsibility mean to you?

• Peel your own potatoes

• If you haven’t made a hundy for the day picking cherries be prepared to peel some potatoes as well

• Don't take anyone’s ghost chips

• Don’t disrespect Pringles, they were a small business once

• Don’t disrespect Pringles, they belong to the food lobby

Is Hamish Price for real?

• LOL

• ROFL

• LMAO

• CROCS

Is Gerry Brownlee real?

• I suppose so

• I hope not

• What even is a Southern Response, really?

• Are you from the Press I bet you are piss off you people give me the shits

If the YES vote gets up will you be laying out a plate of edibles next to the kettle fries at Friday drinks?

• I suppose so

• Oh hell yes

• I don’t like this century. What's wrong with a cask of Blenheimer?

Is the real winner of this election Mark Mitchell?

• I suppose so

• Does anyone have a cask of Blenheimer?

What has been your favourite way to read about this election and why is it  More Than A Feilding?

• I’m just here to count the typos

• I blocked you on Twitter. How is this still getting through?

• I love you man and it's not just the Blenheimer talking do you mind if I mention you in my election night speech?

11.34am

The pop-up leader of the opposition is roaming uncontrolled in downtown Auckland as she speeds forward in her mission to get to every last New Zealander and insult them in person. Feeling slightly ahead of schedule she takes a gratuitous swipe at Tasmania. 

Tasmania! My friend asks by text message: Do you think she might have lost it? Looks kind of deranged now.

I say: I stick with my Panto diagnosis.

It can’t surely be real though can it? There’s only one way any of this makes the remotest sense, and here’s how it goes:

Tomorrow morning John Key comes mooching through the doors at Newstalk ZB with his hands in his pockets and with a cheesy grin reveals to Mike Hosking that it's all been a colossal prank, mate. He hasn’t really quit. Yes, he’s still Prime Minister actually at the end of the day. No he’s not kidding. No, it’s not a windup.

Oh you can just see it, can’t you. Hosking’s eyes wide and shining, like a child being given a puppy; the studied don’t-give-a-fuck composure entirely flung aside. He’s wrenching off the headphones, springing out of the chair coming around to the other side of the desk. Tears of joy stream down his overjoyed face. He catches his ludicrous jacket on a corner and a loud tearing noise underscores the raw emotion of the moment as he flings his arms around Key and the laid-back-chilled-out-leader-going-forward embraces him and says soothingly, it's okay champ, I would never do that to you, not really. He goes to tousle his hair affectionately then looks at his hand with an irritated expression as he realises it’s now greasy with hair product. 

And now the doors swing open and they’re all there, beaming, clapping: Leighton, who’s been helped out of his sarcophagus and wheeled in by Shayne; Fran, with the slightest trace of a smile on her face; Kate, who’s thrown a U turn on the motorway to be here for this super-special moment; and Heather gesticulating madly from the monitor. 

Oh it’s a heartwarming scene and you hate to pull the plug on it and put it out of its misery, BUT SORRY MIKE IT’S LEGAL NOW.

11.45am

Walking into the village I run into my friend the ex Nat MP and we disagree cordially about just about everything and he introduces me to Devonport’s head librarian. This reminds me of two things. Someone yesterday shared a wonderful thread about all the wonderful things libraries do, and I’ll put a link to that below along with a love letter to libraries I once wrote for the Sunday paper.

Secondly, More Than A Feilding reader and librarian Nicki Gemmell kindly asked after a reference for those images of election posters from the other day. My bad. Many thanks to Te Ara, and the NZ History sites. Here the posters are again, this time with links.

Te Ara, Join The Swing

Te Ara, Pensions

NZ History, State Housing

Here’s the epic library tweet

Allie Morgan 🎃 @grumpwitch

Things I have learned about the general public whilst working at the library: 1. A huge number of people under 20 can't read face clocks, having grown up with only digital one. 2. Many people don't know how to spell "library." It's in our email address. This causes problems

And here’s the tribute

4.05pm

Haven’t posted music for a few days, I must make amends. Here’s Justin Currie with writing that is the nearest thing to a blog post set to music. I might get tired of an election, but I’ll never get tired of this.