Diary of the last twelve hours

Tova hold on to your beret

4.45am 

Wake up early because I’m really old now. Naturally my first thought is politics. Ask myself: when do you reckon all these rogue polls, one after another, all saying the same thing, are going to come to an end so that we can get a handle on the trend? Also ask myself:  Is the vibe of the next eight weeks going to be Jacinda saying have a good day, and Judith saying enjoy the next 24 hours?

In the red corner, the nice lady patting the dog, in the blue corner the one who prefers to whistle.

6.45 am 

Siri turns on Morning Report

7.02 am

something something NZ First something something Provincial Growth Fund? Oh! Sounds like the PGF managers were not keen on money being allocated for a synthetic all-weather racetrack for Christchurch but somehow it happened anyway. Gosh, what scamps those NZ First boys can be eh?

What a pity they didn’t have as high, wide and handsome a way of interpreting the law when it came to people marooned in expensive leases with their revenue choked off because, you know, worldwide pandemic. Can’t be intervening and legislating to give them a bit of a break, no sir.

What a time to get pious about sanctity of contract, honestly.

Anyways, if they want a defence for the apparently indefensible, here, this is for free: racing is a provincial industry that comes to the city for the actual race day. You're welcome. But also, and not to be negative, how much of a future is there for racing, do you reckon? I’d say even longer odds than Shane in Northland tbh.

7.10am 

Reports of Chloe Swarbrick doing a good campaigning job at the Auckland Central candidates meeting last night. We cross live to Chloe who does a good campaigning job. She explains why no-one’s doing a deal even though journos really really want to hear that a deal is being done, because Jesus they are so much like  kids who can't wait until Christmas morning to find out what's inside the box. 

Tweet from Alix Higby reads: Tough night for Stanford with the crowd just cracking up at any reference to a strong National Party team.

Fun fact

The first Auckland Central MP was George Grey. Yes, that one: Governor of South Australia, New Zealand, Cape Colony, a VBD in colonising Aotearoa.

Chloe Swarbrick has about 60 years in hand to equal or better his record and if policy wonking and sharp communicating have anything to do with it, she could very well end up with her own statue and TV series and looking sketchy to young New Zealanders a couple of hundred years later.

Another fun fact

In the 1902 election, the Grey Lynn electorate was classed as a mix of rural and urban. Grey Lynn! Is there any part of New Zealand today less rural, even with the farmers market?

7.20ish

Question to Judith Collins about the Labour jobs policy. The pop-up leader is in full snark. Oh you mean that policy we passed in 2012, that policy? 

In many respects she has Muldoon’s skills fully deployed and weaponised: divisive, confrontational, unyielding. But she belts out the words. Muldoon would have delivered the same snark at vastly slower pace.

Because she  was once good enough to instruct me how to hold a pistol correctly, I offer in the same spirit of generosity the advice that - and I’m sure she’ll be wildly interested to hear it but here it is anyway - slower delivery gets you more menace. Give that snark back double!

9ish.

My twitter is full of Gerry Brownlee talking absolute tripe

We have had three months of no community transmission, then inexplicably, the director-general of health Ashley Bloomfield tells the nation that a second wave was a likely prospect he says in a statement. It doesn't add up. Why announce this now when there are few cases?

That's the story, you’ll go gangbusters on Facebook with that shit son. Conspiracy theories are a great substitute for having something useful to offer. Have you never heard of taking multiple precautions?

Just because they suggest masks doesn't mean they’re keeping something from us. They’re merely preparing us. Like on the plane, you know: “if an emergency were  to happen…”

In the unlikely event that contagion were to slip through, I would very much hope that someone who was not Gerry Brownlee was in charge of deciding what to do next.

10.26am

Pop in to hear Paula Bennett doing what used to be my job at what used to be Radio Live. Yep that’s her alright.

She tells Michael from Dunedin, possibly not Michael, possibly not Dunedin: What you gonna  do clean the bloody airport from top to bottom I don't think so.

She tells Patrick: You are live on air Patrick and I'm rapt that you called in.

She tells us: By the way I got tested last week cos I had a bit of a cold. It was nothing. It was honestly nothing. 

She’s pleased to say it was negative.

She tells someone, having bums-rushed them out with the button, Yeahyeahyeah. Good on you. Thanks for talking to me you made some very valid points.

She says: I know you men can multitask. My husband can multitask and drink a beer.

What’s on your mind mate, Paula asks the next caller.

Judith Collins is unavailable today for her weekly Monday morning interview slot on Magic Talk.

Paula says she won't say anything about border control cos I’ll start raving

Paula says: We were more at risk eight fricking weeks ago when they were botching up the quarantine then they are now.

She says: I call bullshit 

She says: But I won't talk about it and we’re off to the news headlines with MaryJane Tomasi.

I don't miss that place much, although I do miss MaryJane.

10.45am

Twitter is saying seriously and WTF because Judith Collins has revealed that if elected, National will require insurer details be displayed on car registration labels.

Man these people surely do love their Audis and their Rangers.

There was a story last week about Ralph Bishop, 53, found by police with his trousers around his ankles “interfering” with a tractor parked in a field outside Saxmundham. He was arrested on suspicion of outraging public decency and admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors all over the Suffolk countryside.

Most people look sideways at the sort of thing but I do believe if the guy lived in Auckland he would have a serious shot at being in a national cabinet as minister of transport.

On Twitter Paul Brislen asks: 

Does this mean I can't change my insurance provider without getting a new label printed? Every time?

And what problem is this solving?

And is this the most important thing on our plate right now?

And why? 

These are all excellent questions, 

The answer emerges that people without insurance  leave responsible drivers millions of dollars out of pocket, and National doesn’t believe that’s fair. They want to encourage vehicle insurance, they say.

Considering that Vero said this last year: Given the existing high rate of insurance held by New Zealand motorists, compulsory insurance may not have significant benefits for Kiwis, what this policy is really doing is taking a bit of a joyride with the enduring theme that an imaginary someone - probably hordes of someones - are getting something for nothing, and getting it off you, and thereby violating the sacred cult of the hardworking NZer by committing imaginary acts of freeloading. 

2.00pm

Judith Collins further blurs the meaning of ‘calling a press conference’ and ‘staging a publicity stunt’ by chiming in to say: you know that conspiracy shit Gerry was talking this morning, I’m here to fire up the muck spreader too. Roll up your trousers everyone, Tova hold on to your beret.