A panda is for a lifetime

Sunday Star Times Oct 02 2015

We thought we knew all about pandas. They were supposed to lie around all day and eat bamboo. They were supposed to be too lazy to roll over for sex. 

But then they came to Wellington. Right away, we could see things were different.

There was the way John and Gerri would stop chewing their bamboo and look up at the visitors whenever they spoke. John would cock his ear. Gerri would stare.

Wellington people love to chatter. They can't shut up, not even at the zoo. On and on they will go: The state of the world, the state of craft beer, politics and body art, rugby, male oppression. John and Gerri took it all in. They had never felt so alive.

They mouthed the words, they sounded them out at night, lying in the straw. In just months, they were talking conversational English. 

Pandas are adorable, but a panda that can say "sweet as, bro" is a bit special. 

John was soon playing in the zoo's touch rugby team. His excess panda pounds fell away at the daily spin classes. All day long he did press-ups in his enclosure.  Gerri loved her Pilates. She loved her Saturday morning yoga. She loved her new friends at book club.

They were becoming new pandas. Wellington was just so exciting.

They acquired some impressive body art. They told everyone they now wanted to be known as Hayden and India. Hayden wore a trilby hat.

Sex suddenly seemed interesting. Tinder was cool, so was Grindr. They were a huge hit on the plushie scene.

But life is always uphill in Wellington.

Hayden and India were expected to be a tourist goldmine for Wellington, the Prime Minister had said so. But market forces said no. You can't beat the place on a good day, but things can be pretty average on the other ones. Even a pair of talking pandas can pull only so many punters to a zoo in Newtown in a howling southerly.

The costs were ruinous. Even with vast Government bailouts, there was no avoiding it: something would have to be done.

India had an idea. She and Hayden would get part-time jobs. No, really, she insisted. It would be fun. She'd always wanted to be a waitress at a dumpling house. Hayden thought if he could get the seat far enough back, he could be a decent Uber driver.

They put in the long hours, they worked and they worked and they worked. But the zoo kept on losing money. Finally, reluctantly, the zoo terminated the contract with China.

It was then that Hayden and India announced they would not - could not - go home. Wellington was where they wanted to be. It was a diplomatic nightmare, but you can't move a panda when a panda says no.

They opened a $2 shop, they steadily saved enough to buy a little house.

Their son was dux at Wellington College, their daughter got a cool job at Xero. 

They were living the dream: a fairytale, even. The only thing that spoiled it a little bit was a steady stream of mean, angry letters to the paper complaining about pandas coming over here, taking our jobs, and driving up property prices.